I personally hate the word confidence. Everywhere you go people dole out the same advice:
Want to ace your job interview? You gotta be confident.
Want to close that sale? You gotta be confident.
Want to fuck that hot chick? You gotta be confident.
Every time I heard that advice, I was always left thinking how the fuck can I “be confident”? Was it some magical personality trait that only specific people were born with and if you weren’t lucky enough to be born with that trait you were pretty much fucked? That’s the way they made it seem, however, this fortunately is not true.
WHEN LEARNING A NEW SKILL, YOU WILL NOT BE CONFIDENT
Try to remember the very first time you got behind the wheel of a vehicle and drove for the first time. Pretty nervous right? You sure as hell were not weaving through downtown traffic setting land-speed records. No one does. Everyone starts off slow and unsure, driving on deserted streets with little to no distractions. No normal person is born confident at something entire new to them. Only a complete idiot would hop into a car for the first time and floor it at top speed. Confidence only comes through experience which is why it bugs me when people say things like, “Girls love confidence” and “You gotta be confident!” Like it is some magical cure all.
Think about driving, when you first started, your mind goes crazy thinking about your speed, traffic signs, other cars, pedestrians and everything else you encounter on the road. It is only after you have put in some considerable time driving that your brain stops thinking about all of that stuff and simply runs on auto-pilot and automatically reacts to different situations without thought. Now you can get behind the wheel of a car, effortlessly speed through traffic, while listening to the stereo without breaking a sweat. Your experience has made you confident now. You have to put in the work before you can become confident, there’s no getting around it.
The same thing happens with cold approach. When you’re new, and you see a hot chick, your mind goes crazy thinking about :
What do I say to her?
What if I get rejected?
What if other people see me get rejected?
It is your brain trying to keep you from harm from what it perceives as a threat. After enough repetitions, your brain stops thinking about all that stuff and begins to run on auto-pilot.
If you want to be confident behind the wheel, you have to spend some time driving. If you want to be confident while cold approaching, you have to cold approach consistently. If you want to be confident during a job interview, you have to do a bunch of interviews.
CONFIDENCE NOT REQUIRED
Most people have this stupid idea that successful interactions with people rely on you being confident and that if you feel or look nervous then failure is imminent. It’s BULLSHIT. You can still have plenty of success while being nervous and unsure.
You are nervous selling a product for the first time, but the customer likes the product and trusts you anyway, so he or she ends up buying – success.
You’re nervous talking to a hot girl, but she finds you attractive anyway (your words barely matter) and you end up getting a date or getting laid – success.
You’re nervous during the job interview, but the interviewer still thinks that you’d be a good fit for the job, so you’re hired – success.
This happens all the time.
Confidence is great and all, but it is not required to be successful. Keep taking action and you can become confident at anything you want. The confidence that you gain just increases your efficiency at that task.
WHAT IS REQUIRED OF YOU
If you can ask an attractive woman a question to start a conversation, then you are confident ENOUGH.
If you can hold a basic small talk conversation with an attractive woman for 2-5 minutes and ask her out, then you are confident ENOUGH.
If you can call or text a girl to arrange a date, then you are confident ENOUGH.
If you can ask a girl a bunch of questions and touch her while on the date, then you are confident ENOUGH.
If you can invite a girl over to your place at the end of the date, then you are confident ENOUGH.
If you can snuggle up with a girl on your couch to watch a movie, then you are confident ENOUGH.
If you can physically escalate with a girl on your couch, then you are confident ENOUGH.
Guess what? You can be scared shitless during every one of those steps, just as long as you put in the reps, you will have success.
Every time you hear the word “confident”, try to remember to substitute it with “experienced” because you cannot be confident without being experienced. “Confident” is such a nebulous attribute that has no action behind it, so don’t worry about being confident, just worry about getting experience.